Conspiracy theories need to be treated as real news. How else can we really make any headway in national or international investigation? We at the Foghorn believe that this is a serious issue, but after taking a mental poll at USF, we found out that only 3 percent of the student population will actually care to read this staff editorial. The following are all the recent conspiracy theories we advocate for that we have thoroughly discussed in the office and totally believe there is some truth behind:
Madeline Vanden-Branden, Head-B*tch-in-Charge: “I believe that the only reason people have not found Big Foot yet is because he is hiding in Golden Gate Park right here in San Francisco! Residents here probably just assume he’s a hipster that doesn’t shave and discount any other theories. Keep an eye out, y’all!”
Allison Fazio, Poppycock Editor: “Being the optimist that I am, I have only believed the best of what might have happened to the missing Malaysian Airlines Flight 370. You know what I think is the most plausible theory yet? Sarah Palin’s! Why is it not believable that the Flight 370 just flew directly into heaven? Have some faith!”
Alena Musso, Font Snob: “Bill Nye is deep in this greasy plan helping airlines and other auto companies buy out teleportation technology so that they can monopolize the business. You think with our current technological progress we have not achieved some sort of teleportation invention? This calls for some investigative journalism, you guys.”
Nureen Khadr, Conspiracy Editor: “Jon Stewart for the next president of Egypt! But no really, if this is true, I will be the first person in line to vote for him. People keep insinuating that Jon — yes, we are on a first name basis — is planning a Zionist takeover of Egypt through his collaboration with his Egyptian counterpart, Bassem Youssef. If it is him taking the lead on this, I want in!”
Danielle Maingot, Instagram Professional: “From living smack dab in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle, crazy stuff has washed up on my island, Grand Bahama Island. We find old remains of pirate ships, a few submarines that did not survive the drug smuggle from Cuba, and even some skeletons! Compasses never work for me when I go fishing; my friends and I have to use the sun to navigate. There have been some close calls for me when I go out to sea. Strange phenomena is always happening on the islands. The Bermuda Triangle’s age old myth is the only explanation.”
Mia Orantia, Jabber Editor: “Tupac is very much alive. My cousin, twice removed, dropped out of college and left his fraternity to become a Tibetan monk. While he was in the mountains meditating, he met a fellow monk named Rukahs Cap II. Rukahs shared many great stories of his past life, where he wrote poems about California love and changes. Rukahs finally revealed that he was indeed Tupac, but left that life to become the Dalai Lama’s speechwriter.”
DISCLAIMER: This piece was printed as part of The Foghorn’s April Fool’s Day issue on April 1st, 2014. This article is intended to be satirical.