Staff Editorial

Staff Editorial: Staff Conspiracies

Conspiracy theories need to be treated as real news. How else can we really make any headway in national or international  investigation? We at the Foghorn believe that this is a serious issue, but after taking a mental poll at USF, we found out that only 3 percent of the student population will actually care to read this staff editorial. The following are all the recent conspiracy theories we advocate for that we have thoroughly discussed in the office and totally believe there is some truth behind:

Madeline Vanden-Branden, Head-B*tch-in-Charge: “I believe that the only reason people have not found Big Foot yet is because he is hiding in Golden Gate Park right here in San Francisco! Residents here probably just assume he’s a hipster that doesn’t shave and discount any other theories. Keep an eye out, y’all!”

Allison Fazio, Poppycock Editor: “Being the optimist that I am, I have only believed the best of what might have happened to the missing Malaysian Airlines Flight 370. You know what I think is the most plausible theory yet? Sarah Palin’s! Why is it not believable that the Flight 370 just flew directly into heaven? Have some faith!”

Alena Musso, Font Snob: “Bill Nye is deep in this greasy plan helping airlines and other auto companies buy out teleportation technology so that they can monopolize the business. You think with our current technological progress we have not achieved some sort of teleportation invention? This calls for some investigative journalism, you guys.”

Nureen Khadr, Conspiracy Editor: “Jon Stewart for the next president of Egypt! But no really, if this is true, I will be the first person in line to vote for him. People keep insinuating that Jon — yes, we are on a first name basis — is planning a Zionist takeover of Egypt through his collaboration with his Egyptian counterpart, Bassem Youssef. If it is him taking the lead on this, I want in!”

Danielle Maingot, Instagram Professional: “From living smack dab in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle, crazy stuff has washed up on my island, Grand Bahama Island. We find old remains of pirate ships, a few submarines that did not survive the drug smuggle from Cuba, and even some skeletons! Compasses never work for me when I go fishing; my friends and I have to use the sun to navigate. There have been some close calls for me when I go out to sea. Strange phenomena is always happening on the islands. The Bermuda Triangle’s age old myth is the only explanation.”

Mia Orantia, Jabber Editor: “Tupac is very much alive. My cousin, twice removed, dropped out of college and left his fraternity to become a Tibetan monk. While he was in the mountains meditating, he met a fellow monk named Rukahs Cap II. Rukahs shared many great stories of his past life, where he wrote poems about California love and changes. Rukahs finally revealed that he was indeed Tupac, but left that life to become the Dalai Lama’s speechwriter.”

DISCLAIMER: This piece was printed as part of The Foghorn’s April Fool’s Day issue on April 1st, 2014. This article is intended to be satirical.

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Lone Mountain Escalator Installed

After 158 years of anxious anticipation, the Lone Mountain staircase is finally acquiring an escalator.

Students feel that the escalator, which will take students from the bottom of the stairs at Turk Ave. to the base of the Lone Mountain building, should have already been in place a really, really, long time ago.

Some students claim they’ve outsmarted the system by never adding a class located in Lone Mountain to their schedule.

Student Tommy “Salami” Jones says “he ain’t never had a class up that hill.” Jones, 40, is in his tenth year at USF, and is currently enrolled in all electives.

Construction of the escalator will begin in May 2014 and is expected to be finished by May 2015.

During construction, a wooden wall will shelter the escalator, which may contain speakers that play a musical assortment of classical jazz, salsa, 90s rock, and today’s hottest hits. The wall may also be decorated with hanging plants and small banners portraying images of amoebas and crayons.

Although the escalator excitement is causing a buzz around campus, many members of the USF community are still wondering why there are no toilet seat covers in any of the restrooms.

DISCLAIMER: This piece was printed as part of The Foghorn’s April Fool’s Day issue on April 1st, 2014. This article is intended to be satirical.

Rev. Privett Retires for Rock ’n’ Roll

Reverend Stephen A. Privett decided to hand in his badge for social justice and trade it for an electric guitar, black combat boots and makeup to match. In return, USF students will be able to see Privett perform in his newly formed rock band, Father of Rock. This news may come as shock to several students that knew Privett personally or who just saw him around campus.

Still deciding on a fitting band name

Still deciding on a fitting band name

Privett said he never expressed his interest in forming a rock band while serving at USF because the students were always his first priority.

“Starting a rock band seemed like the next step in changing the world,” said Privett. “I started at USF and now I am off to seek good in the rest of the world by using music as my tool.”

Privett is the lead singer and guitarist of the band. The other members consist of fellow Jesuits who seek the same path  litter tights and white make up scare you off. Rather, let it invite you. As a band that serves solely for social justice, Privett has the right idea by implementing a one of a kind performance.

After forming nearly a week ago, Father of Rock is in full swing and is scheduled to perform during the graduation ceremony at St. Ignatius church. As a gift, Father Privett will sing and dance for all students and family.

When asked what the students should expect from the performance, he smiled and said, “A show they will never forget.”

Immediately after the ceremony, Privett and his band will be flying off to the Vatican to perform in front of Pope Francis, marking the start of their European tour.

DISCLAIMER: This piece was printed as part of The Foghorn’s April Fool’s Day issue on April 1st, 2014. This article is intended to be satirical.

MonaLisa

Thacher Gallery Acquires the “Mona Lisa” from the Louvre

Student Tuition Helped Pay for the New Art Piece

    For the first time ever the “Mona Lisa” will leave its home in France and come to San Francisco! For only five days, visitors will be allowed a maximum 37 seconds to stare at the “Mona Lisa” in USF’s very own Thacher Gallery.

“We are so honored to house Leonardo da Vinci’s masterpiece at Thacher Gallery,” Thacher gallery director, Art Pallett, said. “We’re going to be offering Student Reward Points  (SRP) to incentivize students to attend the exhibition.”

This addition to the USF campus will also be providing new job opportunities, like security positions to guard the painting.

“Also the woman who completely destroyed the fresco painting of Jesus Christ will be the head of the restoration team. We truly believe in giving people second chances,” Pallett said.

Guest are encouraged to camp outside the the gallery in their footie pajamas due to limited amount of space inside the gallery. The grand opening of the painting will be held on April 20. There will be special events for every day the painting is on exhibit,  like pin the eyebrows on  the Mona Lisa and pick the Mona Lisa look alike.  Everyone who attends will be entered into the raffle to win the Mona Lisa! The winner will be able to take the painting to their dorm or apartment to keep.

The “Mona Lisa” will be arriving in a private jet paid by student tuition and will be transported from the airport through a stretch Hummer limo. Anyone who desires to be part of the limo party should make their reservations now and leave a down payment of one hundred thousand dollars, cash only.

Once the “Mona Lisa” exhibition is over, the school may consider selling  Father Lucas’  “Verbiest’s Ecliptic Armillary Sphere” outside of Lo Schiavo, in order to acquire da Vinci’s “The Last Supper.” We will have a huge supper prepared that includes pieces of the actual fresco so guest are really eating like “The Last Supper.”

DISCLAIMER: This piece was printed as part of The Foghorn’s April Fool’s Day issue on April 1st, 2014. This article is intended to be satirical.

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Foghorn Exclusive: Ukrainian Army Begins to Recruit LGBTQ Community as the Secret Weapon Against Russia

On the eve of a military confrontation with Russia, Ukraine’s Army has begun to advertise positions for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer (LGBTQ) soldiers as part of a special national guard.

“It’s both offensive and progressive,” said Sam Reed, director of a local LGBTQ Rights Organization. ​”We’re in a little bit of a conundrum.”

“We clearly need a secret weapon,” a top general was quoted saying. The Defense Ministry is urging the Ukrainian parliament to pass a bundle of LGBTQ civil rights bills to make it easier to enlist the LGBTQ community into the army.

We asked the only 2 Ukrainian Students at USF: “Do You Support the Russian Annexation of Crimea?”

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DISCLAIMER: This piece was printed as part of The Foghorn’s April Fool’s Day issue on April 1st, 2014. This article is intended to be satirical.

USF to Close All Dorms in 2015

In Light of San Francisco’s Housing Crisis, USF Pushes Student Off-Campus

    Social justice was taken to a new level this past week when Father Privett announced plans to close USF dorms in the name of equality. With the housing shortage on campus at an all time high, many students are unable to secure campus housing, creating an issue of inequality amongst most first year and second year students.

Original plans were to build new dorms, but to keep with USF’s social justice mission and loss of parking spaces, Privett decided that closing all current dorms would be the most practical decision.

Students can now happily avoid the university’s housing shortage, by immersing themselves in the city’s full-fledged affordable housing crisis.

“We used to say change the world from here, but we want to encourage students to change the world from other places too,” said Privett, who has issued Student Senate the task of changing the schools tagline to “change the world from here .. and elsewhere.”

“We don’t want to imply that USF is the only place students can change the world from,” Privett said. “You can change the world from an apartment in the Tenderloin or city project housing. Closing the dorms and thereby forcing students to find alternative living will open them up to this possibility and help keep with USF’s commitment to equality for all… or I guess, in this case, for none,” he continued.

“This is a true exercise in social justice in a modern city,” said USF center for globalization worker Rachel Forent. “Students will no longer feel disconnected from the issues that are often at the forefront of class discussion like gentrification and rising rent costs, because they’ll be experiencing them first hand,” said Forent. “It is also an excellent way for freshman especially to explore the city.”

Sophomore criminal justice major Craigs Listworth agrees that forcing students to live outside campus will help build “street smarts,” but is curious as to why students still have to pay the $4,475 plus rate each semester for dorms.

Sarah Notsorry from One Stop Financial Services said the nearly $5,000 fee cannot be cut because doing so would “bring tuition cost down.”

Students needn’t worry about their former buildings and memories being torn down or re-utilized; utilities has already found ways to maximize space. “The former dorm halls will most likely be used for storage,” said USF head of campus utilities Mark Stawpit.

“[The dorm room closure] is more than just a functional way to maximize the use of three large buildings, but also a way for students to burst out of the USF bubble,” said Privett, who believes students should look at this as an opportunity to learn the realities of living in a city. “How often do USF students look for housing in the Tenderloin or outer Mission?”

At press time, university representatives were seen moving bean bags and hookah pipes into the residence halls.

DISCLAIMER: This piece was printed as part of The Foghorn’s April Fool’s Day issue on April 1st, 2014. This article is intended to be satirical.