Bow Chicka Wow Wow!

Chick-fil-A Comes to Campus

USF says “yay” to Chick-fil-A! After the overwhelming success of the Bon Appetit boycott last November, it was decided that Chick-fil-A—the fried chicken, fast food chain, with strong Christian values—will be replacing the Market Café next school year.

Similar to the search for the next president, the decision on what to replace the university’s dining service was open to the students and the rest of the USF community. In the two campus-wide listening sessions, the audience was unanimous in requesting Chick-fil-A as the new food service company on campus.

“There’s nothing like fried chicken that gets me going during the day,” freshman Bruce Bogtrotter said,  raving about the final decision. “I have it for every meal, so I’m not even upset about my $4,000 meal plan anymore. I’d drop that cash on chicken any day.”

While many praised the company for it’s finger lickin’ good chicken, some believe that this is the university’s attempt at literally “changing the world from here.”  The chain has been known to be against gay rights, so USF may be trying to use their social justice values on the corporation.

Chick-fil-A has donated billions to anti-LGBT groups. CEO Dan Cathy has publicly said that he supports a traditional marriage between a man and woman, and that gay marriage is wrong.

“I’ve been hearing rumors that administration agreed to have Chick-fil-A on campus so that they can implement their own hidden agenda,” Carla Jung, a junior psychology major said. “If our passion for social justice doesn’t influence them, I heard the psychology department might use some psychological methods to change the way the companythinks about equal rights.”

Cathy will be speaking at the grand opening of Chick-fil-A at USF at the start of the 2014-2015 school year. The new university president will also be present to release the ceremonial chicken—blessed by a priest—and let it fly off after the ribbon outside of the dining commons has been cut.

Chick-fil-A, however, will not provide dining options for vegetarians, vegans, and those who eat gluten-free because they believe that those diets are wrong and are not stated in the Bible, so it’s not a real thing.

DISCLAIMER: This piece was printed as part of The Foghorn’s April Fool’s Day issue on April 1st, 2014. This article is intended to be satirical.

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