Busted! Campus Speakeasy Loses its Spirits

The top secret USF underground nightclub Downstairs Dons was shut down last Saturday night. The on campus speakeasy, nightclub, and silent rave was becoming a college rite of passage and tradition. A total of six employees from the nightclub were escorted off the campus for questioning.

Speakeasy2.jpgDownstairs Dons was founded in 2010 when a group of club crazed seniors wanted to create a nightclub that was ultra exclusive and closer to campus.

Since they began running the speakeasy—where the code word changed weekly—the club was hot and trendy. It also inspired many other college-student run speakeasies across the nation.

The nightclub was rumored to be located in an underground tunnel that connected the main campus to Lone Mountain and had a secret entrance on Golden Gate Ave. The club had VIP members that paid a total of $1,000 a semester to have a key and guaranteed access on special event nights. Students without membership were required to make reservations months in advance.

Every weekend, guests would enter the spacious venue, and listen and dance to music using wireless headphones rather than a speaker system. This ingenious idea made it even harder for authorities to shut down the spot.

Guests at Downstairs Dons were required to check in their cell phones at the door because the club had no tolerance for photo taking and texting while partying. Despite the tight policies, Downstairs Dons still remained to be the swankiest spot on campus. The nightclub was also known for their surprise performances from Bay Area rappers and pop sensations like Bruno Mars and Lorde.

All that underground fun finally came to an end this weekend when Public Safety and SFPD moved to shut things down. With the help of investigator Marty Killjoy and the San Francisco Fire Marshall, Downstairs Dons was closed immediately.

Killjoy said, “The fact that the club was able to go on all those years without being caught is remarkable. I am really glad they called me in on this and the raid turned out to be a success.”

Students were shocked by the discovery and closure of Downstairs Dons. Senior Jason Klein said, “I can’t believe this. It’s not like we were doing anything wrong.”

USF administration and authorities beg to differ, finding the club to be dangerous and beckoning for trouble. It’s the end of an era and  Downstairs Dons will go down in history as being the first underground campus nightclub.

DISCLAIMER: This piece was printed as part of The Foghorn’s April Fool’s Day issue on April 1st, 2014. This article is intended to be satirical.

366 thoughts on “Busted! Campus Speakeasy Loses its Spirits”

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