USF to Close All Dorms in 2015

In Light of San Francisco’s Housing Crisis, USF Pushes Student Off-Campus

    Social justice was taken to a new level this past week when Father Privett announced plans to close USF dorms in the name of equality. With the housing shortage on campus at an all time high, many students are unable to secure campus housing, creating an issue of inequality amongst most first year and second year students.

Original plans were to build new dorms, but to keep with USF’s social justice mission and loss of parking spaces, Privett decided that closing all current dorms would be the most practical decision.

Students can now happily avoid the university’s housing shortage, by immersing themselves in the city’s full-fledged affordable housing crisis.

“We used to say change the world from here, but we want to encourage students to change the world from other places too,” said Privett, who has issued Student Senate the task of changing the schools tagline to “change the world from here .. and elsewhere.”

“We don’t want to imply that USF is the only place students can change the world from,” Privett said. “You can change the world from an apartment in the Tenderloin or city project housing. Closing the dorms and thereby forcing students to find alternative living will open them up to this possibility and help keep with USF’s commitment to equality for all… or I guess, in this case, for none,” he continued.

“This is a true exercise in social justice in a modern city,” said USF center for globalization worker Rachel Forent. “Students will no longer feel disconnected from the issues that are often at the forefront of class discussion like gentrification and rising rent costs, because they’ll be experiencing them first hand,” said Forent. “It is also an excellent way for freshman especially to explore the city.”

Sophomore criminal justice major Craigs Listworth agrees that forcing students to live outside campus will help build “street smarts,” but is curious as to why students still have to pay the $4,475 plus rate each semester for dorms.

Sarah Notsorry from One Stop Financial Services said the nearly $5,000 fee cannot be cut because doing so would “bring tuition cost down.”

Students needn’t worry about their former buildings and memories being torn down or re-utilized; utilities has already found ways to maximize space. “The former dorm halls will most likely be used for storage,” said USF head of campus utilities Mark Stawpit.

“[The dorm room closure] is more than just a functional way to maximize the use of three large buildings, but also a way for students to burst out of the USF bubble,” said Privett, who believes students should look at this as an opportunity to learn the realities of living in a city. “How often do USF students look for housing in the Tenderloin or outer Mission?”

At press time, university representatives were seen moving bean bags and hookah pipes into the residence halls.

DISCLAIMER: This piece was printed as part of The Foghorn’s April Fool’s Day issue on April 1st, 2014. This article is intended to be satirical.

126 thoughts on “USF to Close All Dorms in 2015”

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