If you’ve noticed an increase in priests on campus, you’re not alone; students have reported a 10% increase in priest sightings on campus, particularly around Lo Schiavo and in the Lone Mountain dormitory.
The reason for the sudden increase in men-of-the-cloth is directly correlated to the increase in paranormal activity, likely caused by the recent excavation of graves during Lo Schiavo’s construction.
All bones found were respectfully composted as part of USF’s new Go Green! initiative.
USF’s Chair of Spectral Visitors, Dr. Peter Venkman, says this may have upset some restless spirits. “Spirits really don’t care about going green,” he said. “Global warming really wouldn’t affect them, if you think about it.”
Many students have seen these spirits and are upset by their presence on campus. “I pay fifty grand to go here. Part of my agreement in going here was that this was a spirit-free campus,” senior international studies major Traval Farr said.
“I like the ghosts! But they’re kind of unoriginal. Like really, shaking desks and rattling chains? We’re at a school that prides itself on innovation,” junior English major Noe Jobs said.
Holy water and prayer is the most effective way to vanquish these invisible visitors, according to Venkman. “There is no other way,” he said. “The priests we’ve hired on campus are the best in the business, rest assured.”
However Venkman reminds students to “leave the ghostbusting to the professionals. If you see a spirit, remain calm and run towards the nearest Bon Appetit Cafeteria. The ghosts refuse to enter any Bon Appetit spaces…we have yet to figure out why this is,” Venkman said.
DISCLAIMER: This piece was printed as part of The Foghorn’s April Fool’s Day issue on April 1st, 2014. This article is intended to be satirical.