All posts by Madeline Vanden Branden

Schiavo Ghost

The Ghosts of Compost: USF’s Green Initiative Leads to Angry Spirits

If you’ve noticed an increase in priests on campus, you’re not alone; students have reported a 10% increase in priest sightings on campus, particularly around Lo Schiavo and in the Lone Mountain dormitory.

The reason for the sudden increase in men-of-the-cloth is directly correlated to the increase in paranormal activity, likely caused by the recent excavation of graves during Lo Schiavo’s construction.

All bones found were respectfully composted as part of USF’s new Go Green! initiative.

USF’s Chair of Spectral Visitors, Dr.  Peter Venkman, says this may have upset some restless spirits. “Spirits really don’t care about going green,” he said. “Global warming really wouldn’t affect them, if you think about it.”

Many students have seen these spirits and are upset by their presence on campus. “I pay fifty grand to go here. Part of my agreement in going here was that this was a spirit-free campus,” senior international studies major Traval Farr said.

“I like the ghosts! But they’re kind of unoriginal. Like really, shaking desks and rattling chains? We’re at a school that prides itself on innovation,” junior English major Noe Jobs said.

Holy water and prayer is the most effective way to vanquish these invisible visitors, according to Venkman. “There is no other way,” he said. “The priests we’ve hired on campus are the best in the business, rest assured.”

However Venkman reminds students to “leave the ghostbusting to the professionals. If you see a spirit, remain calm and run towards the nearest Bon Appetit Cafeteria. The ghosts refuse to enter any Bon Appetit spaces…we have yet to figure out why this is,” Venkman said.

DISCLAIMER: This piece was printed as part of The Foghorn’s April Fool’s Day issue on April 1st, 2014. This article is intended to be satirical.

USF Professor Seen Wearing Spring’s Hottest Trends, Students Horrified

USF students were up-in-arms last Tuesday when a beloved, and very old, statistics professor came to class wearing one of spring’s hottest new trends: abdomen covers. Abdomen covers, for those not in the fashion-know, are simply a piece of cloth wrapped about the stomach, covering the belly button and nothing else.

American ApparelAbdomen covers first became trendy when worn by Mila Kunis on a Maui beach vacation—the photos caused major controversy, and many publications were not allowed to print photos of Kunis due to censorship laws. The abdomen cover leaves the top half completely exposed, while the navel is covered in a truly modest fashion.

American Apparel is the brand behind this trendy design. Many USF students of both sexes have been seen wearing their covers on campus; no doubt these stylish Dons purchased it for a reasonable $49.99 at the Haight-Street American Apparel store.  When interviewed about the new trend, store employee Izza Ho, 19, explained (while fittingly wearing the cover herself), “We had a lot of material leftover from the crop-top trend…why not switch it up? Cover the tummy and leave the rest yummy!”

While the trend is widespread among USF students, this was the first instance of a professor wearing the cover.  A student in the professor’s elementary statistics, Anita Tudor, relived the experience, “I used to joke with my friends and say ‘math class is like so traumatic,’ but now I really have been traumatized! I’ve seen things that can’t be unseen.”

Fellow classmate Jay Walker echoed Tudor’s thoughts, “The trauma was really real. I went to CAPS and everything.”

DISCLAIMER: This piece was printed as part of The Foghorn’s April Fool’s Day issue on April 1st, 2014. This article is intended to be satirical.

Take Me Back to Mars

The much anticipated, entirely fan-funded, Veronica Mars movie is sure to please the “Marshmallows” out there.

The TV series ‘Veronica Mars” ran from 2004-2007, a three-season run, before it was cancelled. The series starred Kristen Bell (“Parks and Recreation,”  the anonymous voice in “Gossip Girl”) as a sassy teenage private eye, a la Nancy Drew…but much cooler. Mars and her group of outlier friends worked to solve crimes in the fictional town of Neptune, CA—a town with a serious class divide; a town where celebrities and their kids clash with the working-class. This divide is the catalyst for many crimes Mars has to solve.

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