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Khall

USF Lights It Up Blue for Autism

USF’s Kalmanovitz Hall beamed blue last Wednesday April 2 in honor of the seventh annual World Autism Awareness Day and Autism Speaks’ widely celebrated “Light It Up Blue” campaign.

The blue lights symbolize USF’s support of autism awareness and education as means of creating better understanding about a disorder which affects one in 68 children in the U.S.

The USF chapter of Autism Speaks, an advocacy organization for autism research and education, is dedicated to bringing awareness of autism to the community.

Students of color and minority students came together on Gleeson lawn last Thursday in an organized, educational demonstration meant to voice the needs of diversity students. (Photo Courtesy of Elizabeth Cruz)

Marginalized Students Unite for Protest

A student-organized demonstration called attention to the lack of resources and support available to diverse students at USF, and encouraged the community to start talking about diversity in terms of experience, not in terms of numbers.

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Bishop Robert McElroy of the San Francisco Archdiocese (left) shared a laugh with MSNBC Hardball’s Chris Matthews (right) when they recalled hiding under their school desks for nuclear bomb drills during the Cold War. “I don’t want to go back [to that],” said Matthews, on a more serious note referring tor recent US intervention in Ukraine. (Photo Courtesy of USFCA)

“Hardball’s” Chris Matthews, for Those Who Didn’t Grow Up During the Cold War

We children of Twitter and the almighty Interwebs might not turn on the nightly news for our fill of American political analysis, but for those who do, Chris Matthews is kind of a big deal. The famous news personality and talk show host from MSNBC’s “Hardball with Chris Matthews” spent a week on the Hilltop as USF’s Distinguished Visiting Professor, and an evening answering questions poised by members of the USF community at a public event on campus, attended by over 500 people. Of those 500, only a few were students.

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If You Have A Drink, Would You Please Put It in the Air?

Thursty Thursday is now officially a USF student organization

Reports confirm that after attending nearly a full year of weekly meetings without any recognition whatsoever, students participating in the popular extracurricular Thursty Thursday will finally receive credit for their involvement.

“On behalf of the university, I’d like to say that we appreciate the amount of time and effort students put into mass binge drinking every Thursday night, and recognize the need to formally acknowledge this achievement,” Bruce Winner, director of student life at USF, said.

University officials agreed to register the USF Chapter of Thursty Thursday as an official student organization following a meeting with concerned students last week.

“This is a huge win for the USF community,” said Chapter President Ben Stills, senior accounting major.

“Many students have to go out of their way to get ridiculously obliterated on a weekday, placing their commitment to drinking heavily above even their own self-interest,” said Stills, shortly after rejecting his grandmother’s Thursday evening dinner invitation and moving his midterm exam from Friday morning to Friday afternoon. “It’s nice to know our hard work is being noticed.”

Junior graphic design major Lindsey Mayonnaise has been participating in the extracurricular since before it was cool. “It’s amazing how much this event has grown in the past year,” shouted Mayonnaise, at one of the more crowded meeting locations last Thursday.

“It’s really caught on more than any other student organization on campus. I think it’s because we’re all really passionate about what we’re doing here and we all share… can you hold on? I have to pee.”

With the “pursuit of higher education,” “yolo,” and “turnt” listed as key elements in the group’s mission statement, it is not clear whether participation in the organization will count towards service learning or leadership experience, though the Thursday night events are already legible for Student Rewards Program (SRP) points.

“I’m proud of my school for endorsing what I think is an organization that really represents what USF students are all about,” said undeclared freshman Julie Spagnola, last Thursday night.

Spagnola, who “technically can’t be here right now” according to a friend, switched her schedule around this semester to better accomodate her weekday belligerence. “This is what higher education is all about,” she said, waving her glass in the air like she’s a true player.

At press time, Spagnola was seen throwing up near a dumpster with her friends.

USF currently has 2,024 undergraduate students registered with USF’s Thursty Thursday, making it the biggest student organization in university history.

To join, email Thursty Thursday President Ben Stills, who can’t remember his email right now, but thinks it has his name in it and something to do with beer.

DISCLAIMER: This piece was printed as part of The Foghorn’s April Fool’s Day issue on April 1st, 2014. This article is intended to be satirical.

 

Dorm Room Pets

Student Pets Now Allowed in Dorms

In effort to create more diversity on campus, USF has announced plans to allow pets in all university dorm rooms.

Cats, dogs, iguanas, rocks, fish, snakes, and other typical household critters will now be able to reside alongside their student pet owners thanks to a new policy that encourages diversity in the student population by allowing on campus residents to bring their pets from home.

“Any university can boast high numbers of minority students,” a representative from USF’s admissions office said, “but how many can say their student body is comprised of 1% rabbits and 3% frogs? We believe that student pets are an underrepresented minority in universities nationwide and this policy will show everyone that, at USF, everyone is welcome.”

DISCLAIMER: This piece was printed as part of The Foghorn’s April Fool’s Day issue on April 1st, 2014. This article is intended to be satirical.

Senior English Major Literally Can’t Believe It’s Already April

Insisting that there is “just absolutely no way March happened already,”  senior English major Liza Wilde confirmed Monday that she literally can’t believe it’s April.

“Where did the rest of the month go?” she asked on her way to a bottomless mimosa brunch in the Marina District with her friends. “I swear March lasted way longer last year.”

Junior international studies major Paulina Global, who joined Wilde for brunch before their afternoon shopping date, agreed that there is no way it is already April. “I literally can’t believe it,” she said, visibily upset. “What’s worse is after April, comes May,” added Wilde, referring to the month that follows April.

Sources from the University of San Francisco were able to confirm earlier today that it literally is April.

DISCLAIMER: This piece was printed as part of The Foghorn’s April Fool’s Day issue on April 1st, 2014. This article is intended to be satirical.