To my beloved citizens of Egypt:
This is a letter for all those who have over-glorified my actions and baked my future as your next president into cake. I do not deserve to have my picture on your chocolates and colognes, for I have done nothing to earn them. But I have earned your undying, political support and for that, I must thank you for my ultimate decision to nominate myself.
Since June 30 of last year, we have been a nation moving forward, united together under the cause we have rallied for since Jan. 25, 2011: the freedoms and prosperity we were deprived of under the dictatorial rule of Mubarak and our year-long bump in the road, Morsi.
I must admit I fear that you will call for my removal, as you did my predecessors, and no longer love me like you have all so ardently professed. Yet, I hope to prove to you that if — no, when — I do win the presidential elections (TBA), I will execute the vague vision that I have for Egypt. It helps that I am running unopposed; I have your unwavering loyalty to thank for that. Its strength has scared all other potential competition from even attempting to establish a campaign.
Until the election results are announced, I will make sure to clear the way for a smooth transition to this coveted office — by others, of course, not me. This means sweeping away the cobwebs of the previous regime and ensuring a clean slate for what I hope to accomplish.
I have all my branches of government partnering with me, in terms of executing this plan most efficiently. Speaking of executing plans, the judicial courts have sentenced 529 Morsi supporters to death. This move is necessary in the eradication of any potential radical terrorists or future opposition. And thankfully, we have guaranteed a pristine press image of our nation with the imprisonment of any media personalities, journalists or writers that might report what we hope the world or our allies might turn a blind eye to.
We must remain the epitome of hope and simultaneous power in the region, or else we fall. Returning to past authoritarian regimes is not an option. We must continue to operate under the illusion of progress and action. Our AIDS/HIV cure will be a large portion in the development of this image.
And do not worry. You will be the first of the last to know when I do establish the platform I plan to run on, besides the complete and unshakable confidence I have that you will vote for me anyways.
Also, shut up your mouse, Obama.*
General Abdel Fattah el-Sisi
Deputy Prime Minister of Egypt
Recently Resigned Minister of Defense
Future President of Egypt
* In reference to a viral video clip featuring an Egyptian woman shouting her support for General el-Sisi and saying “Shut up your mouse, Obama” instead of ‘mouth’.
** “Long live, Egypt”
DISCLAIMER: This piece was printed as part of The Foghorn’s April Fool’s Day issue on April 1st, 2014. This article is intended to be satirical.